what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Randomize
