she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
