Ambien. No doubt about it.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
