If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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