the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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