Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
