you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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