come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize