Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
she peed on how many people?
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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