Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
He's a Shit stain on my heart
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
