I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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