I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Randomize
