Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
