fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
We don't watch enough power rangers
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize