Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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