someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
