All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
