I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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