Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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