By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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