she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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