Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
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