When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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