Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
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