We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
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