Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
