Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Randomize