history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Randomize
