You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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