Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
