I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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