I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize