good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
