Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
