Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Randomize
