I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
