All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
