for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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