I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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