It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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