i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize