My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
