I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
