Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
