I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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