i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I got her a Nickelback box set.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
