Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
