We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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