I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
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