i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
