it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
