yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize