just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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