Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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