I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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