I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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