I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Randomize
